Greetings, fellow quarantiner’s.
I hope you are still alive and well.
Today is the 49th day in isolation.
The last time it was this unsafe to go outside, Adolf was dropping bombs in London.
Although this time there’s no blitz, there is a load of morons roaming around; touching stuff, completely uninvited. To you guys – you suck. You’re making us look bad.
We’re not angry, we’re just disappointed.
Actually, we’re fuming. But you won’t listen to us, so what’s the point.
But there is one person you wouldn’t want to disrespect; you wouldn’t be so sick. The Queen — who will always be Britain’s biggest bad ‘ass. So get ready, punk, when this is all said and done, her majesty is going to spank you so hard – you’ll never want to leave your house ever again; post pandemic.
Just in case you’ve been living under a rock, let me summarise these last three-ish months for you…
1. February – Government introduces ‘Social Distancing’ in an effort to slow the spread of the virus – to protect the NHS from overload.
2. March – Over 70’s advised to self-isolate and Boris Johnson advises against all ‘non-essential travel’
3. Also March – Boris announces ‘Lockdown’.
4. Still March; 25 – The Coronavirus Act 2020 grants the government “unprecedented” powers.
–> (Delinquents ignore government advice. Pandemic continues to sweep the nation). Were the restrictions ever tough enough?
5. Boris says “Please stay at home”.
—> March 27 – Boris contracts Coronavirus, after visiting a hospital.
Boris washed his hands for just 18 seconds – that’s 2 seconds less than the mandated 20.
(Well God damnit, Boris).
Boris followed everyone’s Royal-favourite Prince Charles, Idris Elba, Arsenal manager Mikel Arteta, Hanksy (a.k.a – Tom Hanks) and musician ‘P!NK’ in contracting the illness.
And with that – the question transitioned from ‘So What?’, to ‘What About Us?’
What about us. What about all the times, you said you had the answers?
Well, here they are!
But before we get into such ingenius, I must first issue a—
DISCLAIMER:
This list is entirely subjective; fully Lloyd established and non-government advised.
Firstly, I definitely did not create the photo in the thumbnail for aesthetic purposes only, with amateur photography skills and below-par modelling. It is 100% legitimate.
Secondly, just because I can do all of the practices in the photo, simultaneously – with levels of proficiency so high that lady frogs stand in hoards on their lilipads and applaude me at 8PM every Thursday – doesn’t mean you can also, in a simultaneous fashion. But you can improve, in spite of a lockdown; grounding us like under-age teenagers who stayed out past our curfew.
So I’d say ‘Don’t try this at home, kids!’ But frankly, you don’t have a choice.
It was May 4th today (at the time of editing) which would have made it an apt time for a Star Wars reference. Luke Skywalker self-isolated for more than 3650 days – that’s over a decade, which renders our 49 so far kind of pathetic. And we’ll leave it at that – sometimes you just gotta’ drop truth bombs for effect.
Contrary to popular belief, there ARE other ways to spend quarantine rather than binge watch the full series of the ‘Tiger King’ on Netflix in one sad, lonely night – with a bag of Doritos and a Humus dip.
Because f*ck Carole Baskin. Hell, f*ck all of them. Who needs the Tiger King, when you can be the Quarantine King?
(Back to the Present)
#1) BINGE WATCH THE TIGER KING ON NETFLIX.
I know, I know, but we might as well start with the obvious. I’ll keep this point short-like the hair-line of 25% of men currently in England.
Fundamentally, it’s important to stay sane during this difficult period of remoteness. That means keeping some of the things that you love and still have access to.
This is the generation of Netflix – it’s as mandatory to our lives as taking a daily sh*t.
It is therefore somewhat paradoxical, that a program about a tiger-keeper and a psychopath and the toxicity surrounding it’s relationships, has hitched onto our screens. But you know what? If it’s the insanitry entertainment that’s sustaining your own sanity, watch it. Whatever it is.
#2) MOVE YO’ ASS.
If you’re idling around on your spinny chair watching the clock tick, you’re doing it all wrong. It won’t be long before Dulux are ringing you up to enquire about an ambassadorial role for their company.
Politely decline them; reminding yourself that even if the world could do with a bit more colour right now, watching paint dry is boring.
Drop your phone on the floor as you end the call, for effect, but not so hard that it breaks – there really isn’t anywhere you can get it fixed at the moment.
Working out may not be your thing. Not everyone seeks prime-Rock biceps. Human arms typically hold closer similarities to flamingo wings. But the important thing is to keep active – in every sense of the word.
Now is not the time to be dating alcohol and carbohydrates.
If you’ve already exceeded your once-daily exercise or trip to the shop, keep busy moving at home. Complete tasks around the house, or do light exercises like stretching – which will loosen your body and as a result, your mind.
Goalkeepers train by running up and down the stairs. These are short bursts of exercise, but it maintains their stamina and agility.
Just like a goalkeeper needs to protect their goal, you need to protect your health.
#3) READ STUFF
There’s a quote that everyone knows which p*sses people off – I’m going to repeat it here:
‘Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body’.
The reason that this irritates people is not because it’s cheesy, it’s just that they can’t be bothered.
Physical exercise reaps physical benefits – and these are instantly noticable.
People want you to notice. This gives them validation. The problem is that with reading, you can’t see gains.
It’s not like the brain enlarges itself; starts gravitating until it pops out of the skull. You’d look like Megamind in a matter of months – that’s not a look you want to be rocking when on the pull in your local piss-up. More realistically, if such metamorphosis occured, you’d be dead.
Because the benefits of reading aren’t instantly noticible, it’s wrongfully overlooked. But here’s the good news – reading isn’t just about reading books, it’s about absorbing information, learning about the world you’re living in, and opening your brain. (So long as it’s not an aneurysm.)
Nobody likes a know-it-all, but nobody also likes one-dimensional ding-dongs who refuse to accept new ideas, learning or even facts.
Such shallowness lacks the dimensions enough to even form the integrity of a circle. You’d simply be a straight line – which is undeveloped and boring as f*ck. Don’t be a line.
But the thing is you don’t need to read a 2000 page novel to learn stuff – just a few pages is enough to gain an insight. This extends to audio, too. You don’t physically have to turn a page or scroll on a screen. Reading is actually comprised of reception. This is to be receptive (read/listen) to information. This is unlimited, and step one in becoming limitless – quarantine or not.
Get those brain reps in.
#4) SIDE-HUSTLE
Think about it. Are you really where you want to be in life right now? This is a question which will differ from person to person and is also dependent on age.
Chances are though, you want more. It’s human nature to feel that you don’t have enough, that you can always do better; be better.
Maybe you hate your 9-5 desk-job because you feel like a lifeless sack of potatoes, and you’re beginning to get dark thoughts and struggling to wax this up.
It’s time you built a side-hustle, so you want to start an Instagram business where you post pictures of your Dachshund’s on the internet. Hot-dog dogs will forever be the people’s sweetheart.
Point is – if you want something you don’t have, you’ll need to start working for it. Don’t procrastinate, make a start. There’s no excuse now.
#5 MINIMALISE.
There’s a lot of things which stress people out.
The stress of making it to work on-time after snoozing past three alarms. The devastating shriek of a child when you confiscate their iPad because they pied you off one-too-many times than you could handle and has subsequently windmill spat at you, to emphasize their dissatisfaction. Maybe life is just so complicated that everyday you are plunged into an existential crisis. But did you know that one of the biggest causes of stress is simply just stuff?
Many studies have shown that clutter affects our ability to relax and creates a block in achieving our goals.
The extra visual stimuli is not only a physical barrier, but a constant reminder of what is in the way.
Too much stuff will distract our attention. We need to mitigate this problem by removing the stuff from our life which no longer serves us a purpose.
So throw out that empty Pringles can hiding under your bed, that app which notifies you when it’s time to log on again and waste more time needlessly swiping, and delete the hundreds of half-naked selfies you took which actually remind you that still, that six-pack ain’t ready to smile yet.
#6) RECHARGE AND REFRESH
All this self-help-take-action-do-stuff is exhausting, isn’t it?
I hear you brothers, sisters – sometimes we just need to take a break.
That’s all this is really – this Coronavirus mayhem – a break from everyday life. It may not be the spring break we were all hoping for, but it’s happening, so why not make the most of it?
It’s the resistance from certain individuals which makes it a little harder than it was supposed to be. But maybe this is what the world needed? Change – if temporary, in the hope for a better, more permanent future.
A better future does not exist without pain. It’s sewn into the fabric of life; of history.
The truth is, the mind works just how a battery would – the conflict of positive with negative energy. Like all modern batteries, they should be recharged or refreshed.
So as we draw closer to the end of quarantine, can you can come out of this period with a clearer mind, a refreshed mindset, a willingness to accept what happened and what is going to happen, have you improved; can you keep improving?
Maybe you’ve done all of these things and just need to suck a little less than you did before. And that’s okay. What-ever it is, when the world counts to day 3650 from when this all begun, can you look back at this time and say…
“Remember all that Coronavirus and quarantine codswallop? I owned that sh*t.”
Compulsively Human 
love this mate, I also completed it lool
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