The Coronavirus.
I call it the Stevie Wonder epidemic.
No-one can see where it’s going, but you can make damn sure that every single person on the planet is hearing about it.
And it’s really f*cking loud.
The key difference? One is literally music to your ears, the other is literally every TV and Radio station, newspaper and just about everything with lips and a voice box on this Earth. Some say, even a foetus responds to it. Pregnant mums to-be – if you’ve felt that kick, you have your answer.
Coronavirus this, Coronavirus that. It’s superceded ‘How are you?’ as the worlds go-to conversation starter.
The last time a 5 syllable word had such prominence was when ‘illuminati’ (I-LLU-MI-NA-TI) possessed 14 year olds in 2013.
I lived it – and it runs the Coronavirus a close second.
Brits, generally, only like using one-syllable words,like ‘beer’.
Or:
Pint
Wine
Food
Drink
and
…
…
Boobs.
It was the answer to EVERY unknown answer back then – the Illuminati was the rest.
It consumed their brains, a bit like how Tik Tok does now. Both of which, actually, raise more questions than give answers.
The Coronavirus consumes our lungs; bluntly put. So not only can the nation not catch its breath, it can’t even catch a break.
Our world is looking rather bleak, but let’s look on the bright side – we’ve now mastered big words like ‘pandemic’ ‘catastrophe’ and ‘isolation’.
That’s a combined total of 11 syllables in just 3 words, it’s a shame they’re miserable. But Aristotle would be proud.
So I guess… Death is mortifying – obviously, but at least our vocabulary is improving.
And if that doesn’t give you at least some sense of fulfillment, here’s a picture of a cat taking a selfie, that might.
It’s strange.
We wake up every day in the real world. Some of us do so by slapping the snooze button until they eventually either give up and launch it against the wall – ‘that’ll teach it’; or get up anyway because, quite frankly, you can’t argue with a computer.
Either way, we’re woke.
Yet somehow, somewhere along the way, we’ve slipped off into some kind of quantum realm, and here we are – stuck in a dimension where a virus rules our civilization – caused by a bat.
It’s pretty hard to imagine a bat sort of living existentially over us – Big Brother style; watching our every move and looking for any opening to strike.
They can’t even f*cking see where they’re going.
Apparently, neither can we.
It’s almost disappointing.We all thought such an apocalypse would arise with Zombies – think Shaun of the Dead, or The World’s End. (Basically, if it involves Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, that’s a good rule of thumb; naturally.)
Except this time, Simon Pegg is in it – and he’s playing himself in the real world – just like everyone else.We’re all passengers in the midst of an apocalypse completely invisible to the human eye.
Madness.
I feel sorry for the animals – there’s probably cows getting milked dry and chickens on laxitives.
There’s only one organism we want in our body right now – and it’s called yeast. Which is actually dead when you eat it.
We’re also in a time where alcohol is more in demand as a detergent than it is a drink – this community has never been less British. It won’t be long before vodka becomes a soap.
Which, might actually cure our drinking problem.
It might.
(It won’t), but since we’re dealing with uncertainty nonetheless, the thing is – right now, there is so much everyone doesn’t know.
What is Covid-19? Apart from a killing machine (albeit a relatively small one) vaccuming up our population like a Henry Hoover – bit by bit.
Conspiracy theories are getting thrown around like there’s no tomorrow.
If you listen to the government, it’s a small-scale Independence Day. And no, I’m not talking about Brexit.
But it depends who you listen to.
We’ve also been fed rumours entertaining the idea of the 5G emission pandemic. Or that it’s a government enforced agent to reduce the size of the population.
Whichever way you look at it, we always knew, deep down – humans can save a lot of things, but we could never save us from ourselves.
It’s kind of a paradox: it takes death to realise the importance of unity.
How we miss the simple things – like walking somewhere other than the shop, just because we could. We’ve all seen the meme.
Or taking a partner to a secret location for some secret yet notsosecret alone time – and not be arrested for violating self isolation rules. (Seriously, it’s like 1984 out there).
But for a planet whose streets are currently so quiet, there’s a lot of noise.
The amount of ‘news’ and fear-mongering out there is a dangerous repetition.
So let’s just calm down, please, you don’t see nurses performing heart transplants and going “Nope – I can’t do this” halfway through the procedure, panicking; and doing a runner to the bathroom.
They stay and see it out.
Panic only makes it harder.
In such a case, we can make progress in the abyss of nothingness.
And with this inaction we might be okay, touch wood.
Actually, scratch that. Don’t touch wood – you could be a human pathogen.
Don’t touch anything.
Nobody even knows how this got here.
Or when it will all blow over.
– The Illuminati might.
Only one way to find out
-by doing precisely,
nothing.
Compulsively Human 