Rolling out of bed at 12pm to the sound of the infamous ‘radar’ default iPhone alarm, you flounder into the bathroom. Your knees are weak, your arms are heavy, there’s stains all over your white t-shirt from the… bevy’s. Like a confused cave man awoken in 21st century by mistake, you head toward the ‘selfie mirror’.
Hello darkness, old friend.
Your reflection bares back at you like you just told a child that the Easter Bunny isn’t coming this year – he’s run out of chocolate eggs.
You monster.
Bunnies – or rabbits, can’t even lay eggs. How are they supposed to hide them? Hell, the kids don’t need to know that. It’s a good thing this is all in your head.
You open the window.
Ooof.
Suddenly your skin burns to the light.
There’s a crimson-like splodge stained on the floor next to the toilet. Then, suddenly, you notice another. Then a few more.
Shit.
Death is staring at you right through the barrel. Who knew it would end like this, in such pathetic fashion?
Wait a minute… You regather your thoughts.
That was just the residue of your 6th jäger bomb from last night. That one didn’t quite make it down the hatchet.
You wondered why it smelled so… energy drinky.
But you’re still an idiot.
You don’t need me – your conscience – to tell you that; it’s already a well known fact. Because you did have 8 doubles each of vodka oranges and rum and cokes, plus some other weird concoction of spirits thrown together and dubbed a ‘special’ by the bartender. Now look at you. Look at what you’ve done again. When will you ever learn?
See, I even made this list gender-neutral. No cocktails or wines, no beers or straight whisky.
This means that not only can you not assume the gender of whom suffers this hangover, but it doesn’t matter who you are, if you don’t take the appropriate action after a heavy night of drinking – you will wake up –
F*cked.
Luckily, anyone can treat the hangover. That covers all 57 genders of which you can now identify as.
Except dolphins.
It’s also vegetarian and vegan friendly.
So whether you’re a carnivorous wasteman, a herbivore, or just a vegan-wannabe who says that they want to help preserve our animal friends on this planet – yet can only keep to this promise three days a week when they feel like it; stuffing themselves with a meaty chicken Donna kebab after every heavy Saturday night, you too can avoid the hangover. Anyway, that would only make you a part-time vegan/ vegetarian. It would also make you part-time douchebag. So don’t even pretend you didn’t do it. I saw you wolf down that Donna in desperation like an excited virgin in a brothel. Luckily, these hangover antidotes are free for use for anyone after a late night bender; provided you are a human.
Which is great, because right now, you look like you’ve just been punched in the face by a panda.
Maybe it was another drunk human, but it would be understandable, after all these years, why another animal would want it’s revenge. In front of those furry black sleeves are not paws, but two FISTS OF FURY! It’s no wonder you’ve rocked up this morning like Deontay Wilder.
How would that even happen, anyway?
My money is on that you don’t even know, so as ridiculous as that situation may sound, it’s entirely plausible – because neither you or any of your mates, remember what happened. Maybe you did walk into local zoo/animal sanctuary – and attempt to make friends with a wild animal. It would make a great story.
But how’s about a way where you can have all the fun, the drinks and the stories, and none of the suffering; the morning after?
Well that sounds lovely.
I could tell you that there is one very simple way to avoid the dreaded hangover – don’t drink in the first place, numnuts. But I won’t. That would be too easy and there’s no fun in that.
You see, here on The Confessions of a Human, we don’t do things the easy way. There’s never any point in being normal. You have to be unconventional.
That’s how you get the views.
Everyone’s already told you everything you need to know about survival on this planet – I’m just here to give you a different perspective.
There is only one real secret to hangover prevention.
You can trust me, because I’m a doctor. So we’ll just get right to it. I’m sure you’re dying to know.
It’s this:
…
…
‘roids.
Just kidding, the answer isn’t ‘roids’. And I’m not really a doctor, either. In fact, if you thought for one second that either of those things were true then you deserve to be hungover.
If they were real, then you’d be a patient on my bed, and I’d be treating you because even if roids were the solution, there would be severe future consequences. And I wouldn’t be sat here writing a f*cking blog about how to prevent a hangover, either.
You fool.
Now that we’ve got that out the way, do you want to know the actual method of preventing those horrible hangovers? There are 5 steps. With 100% certified accuracy – if you follow these instructions successfully, you will never spend another day hungover in your life.
That’s a Lloyd guarantee.
1. The Peanut Butter Sandwich
Before you attack me for appearing to take the piss a little further, I’d like to promise you that this is legitimate.
One serving of peanut butter contains 8g of protein and 16g of fat. And this may sound like it has absolutely no relevance to hangovers at all, but it does. At the very least, you’ve obtained some valuable knowledge, but there is just something about these nuts which seem to cleanse the mind; the soul. You can feel the alcohol just draining away from your liver.
Forget Paracetamol, the peanut butter sandwich is, from my experience, the pill that solves all late night mistakes.
Well – it will solve some of them.
But if you shagged a hooker and end up with three kids dumped on your doorstep several months later, that’s on you.
If you have a nut allergy that might be a problem, but like I said previously, I’m not a doctor, sorry.
2. Caffeine.
You know what they say; several coffee’s a day keeps the doctor way.
Wait, nobody says that.
But everybody thinks it.
Caffeine is so wonderful, people use it in their shampoo.
When you stumble through that front door at 4 a.m, before you think about faceplanting into your pillow, (or more likely first – the floor), you will have killed a few braincells. So you must revive them.
By drinking a source of caffeine such as coffee or tea (though I wouldn’t recommend an energy drink – unless you plan on having a spasm) you stimulate your brain, and so in turn your alertness increases. The key thing here is stimulation.
P.s If for some bizarre reason you don’t drink caffeine, I can think of another source of stimulation you will enjoy, EVEN if you are a dolphin.
3. Get yourself engaged.
Building on that, this is should be done in conjunction.
I’m not talking about getting down on one knee, but that’s not a bad idea.
It’s a terrible idea.
What I’m talking about here is engaging your brain in activity.
This could be by watching a YouTube video about the existentialism of planet Earth and all beings outside of it. It could be a 10-minute video of cats mugging off their owners. Or maybe you write a blog post about how to avoid a hangover for struggling drunks alike.
You know, whatever floats your boat.
5. Get wet
Speaking of boats…
This isn’t supposed to be dirty. But if that’s what’s keeping you entertained, cool.
I’m simply implying that water is brilliant for stimulation, obviously.
It also makes up at least 50% of your body.
So get wet. I want you to apply that cold water to your face and body like you’re The Last Airbender. You’ll suddenly feel the endorphins getting released from your body; one by one.
5. Lastly, DON’T GO TO SLEEP!
This might sound counter-intuitive, but I swear on my life this is the holy truth; you must brave the storm.
Don’t fall victim to your drink and slip into the alcohol induced coma that is also known as REM Sleep. This is how regrets are transpired.
You’ve heard about how if you go to bed cranky, you wake up cranky. The same applies here. If you go to bed sloshed, you will wake up sloshed.
That would be like shooting yourself in the foot and allowing yourself to bleed.
Now I’m no doctor, but I’d prefer that you kept your blood inside your body, but let the alcohol come out – just do it the night before.
Compulsively Human 