Once a year Cupid comes long and he fires his love-struck bow and arrow right at your left butt-cheek. It’s said his arrow is so penetrative, you’ll fall in love with the right person instantly. (Who, by happy coincidence, will be with you in that exact moment)
There must have been a slight fault in Cupid’s plan though, because unfortunately for many of us, that lover is often replaced by a lamppost. Or a kebab.
It’s unclear what kind of subliminal message the God of Love is sending to us when does this, but what I do know is that he needs to sort it out – because people are getting impatient. There are toys out there now that adults use.
Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a time where people share their love with their partners. It’s the chosen day of the year where you’re given a license to express your undying love for a significant other in the most expensive, cringeworthy way possible. The result is usually chocolate, expensive gifts, extra-fucking-weird-sex, and in some cases – unexpected birth.
But for the rest of us singletons, Valentine’s Day is up there with Shrove Tuesday as one of most disappointing, meaningless national holidays of the year, but at least the latter actually tastes good. When Cupid fires his arrow at us on Valentine’s, he actually kills us. The thing is more akin to a shotgun.
Don’t give a baby a shotgun. We’re in enough pain as it is, thanks.
We aren’t bitter though, (and definitely not jealous) so to avoid our heartache we must disarm Cupid from his deadly weapon. We could just as easily tell Cupid where he can shove his damn arrow, but that’s a bit abusive – and right now we’re trying to prove a point. For all his good intentions, Cupid can be a real douchebag, so we’re going to teach him a lesson – not just to the god of love, but to to all those in a relationship out there – Fuck you. We singletons can have fun on Valentine’s Day.
So, from this moment forth, you shall now refer to me as Dr Love. That’s Dr Looooooooove, to you.
1. Understand that it doesn’t actually fucking matter anyway
Yeah – I said it. Just because you are lover-less on this day, does not mean you should hide from the world in a dark room with but a pillow and a tub of lotion for company. Because guess what, there are 364 other days in the year in which you could have done the same. But you didn’t, because they don’t have the label and therefore, they don’t matter. And just because the pope decided 1521 years ago that the 14th of February would be the national day of love because some dude called Valentine (Saint Valentinus) was martyred for advocating it, doesn’t mean you should abide by it. Hell, if things were slightly different, we’d be celebrating our singularity.
2. Talk to People
We have these amazing things in the 21st Century called phones that allow us to talk to people whenever we want. We can chat to our friends or other singletons alike by simply tapping on a screen and typing, or spend our time arguing with idiots on Reddit.
Another cultural phenomenon is this idea of ‘Galentines’ – it’s where single women gather with their fellow ‘gals’ to celebrate their singularity by getting drunk; isolating themselves from the male species. While this is no specific title for the gathering of men on this day, one may baptise it as ‘Palentines’ Day’. On this occasion, guys gather with their fellow bros to get wasted at pubs and chat about sports and belting nights out, and hunt for other women. And when they duly fail on this specific day, the bois big-up each other – saying that they are all ripped fucking stud muffins that ‘don’t need no girl’, and that the brotherhood alone will always suffice. Then they cry because they realise they’ve done that for the last 20 years in a row. That’s okay though. Because in actuality, both sides – and everything in between, do it too – and there’s something ominously comforting in that.
3. Remind yourself just how awesome you are.
Just because you are not currently romantically involved with another specimen on this earth, does not mean you are not still a freaking awesome, capable human being. You can still be fuck buddies with other people. I’m sure you’re the intelligent; strong, brave, kind, (insert any other appropriate adjective here) sex machine strutting around that other people just don’t yet know that they desire. To you sir/ lady – keep killing it. There is somebody waiting for you. They just don’t know it yet. ‘Till then…
3. Get good.
I apologize for the lack of clarity in this statement, but sometimes you just ‘gotta to say it how it is. There’s probably not a genuine reason that you’re still single, maybe the timing just isn’t right or the wrong ones keep showing their faces. But it is what it is. And that’s okay – there isn’t always an answer to these things. Just don’t let that stop you from working on yourself. What you must do, ladies and gents is get good at life. And If you’re already good, get better.
Get smarter. Start learning something today that might teach you a different perspective, you never know what might change you. Whether that’s learning a new language to spice up your lexicon and confuse all the waiters and waitress by deliberately speaking another language just for the banter, reading books to expand your knowledge, or just getting a fresh trim. You decide.
Get listening. This could be for many things. In listening to other people, some will enlighten you by teaching you new wisdom, inspire you to try something, or just make you giggle. Some may also make you wish that you born without ears – it’s important that you can tell the difference.
Get staunch. Perhaps one of the most superficial ways on the surface of becoming ‘better’ – hampered by the illusion of bulky gym-rat dossers, (who, surprisingly, are few in number) but getting a ripped physique will not only give you a physical edge, but it will train a mental strength that will sharpen a strong, grounded mentality that you can take with you for life.
4. Avoid Social Media.
This may seem somewhat paradoxical to tip #2, but there’s good reason for that. Social media can often be a haven for our world in the way of distraction, pretty things and memes, but it’s also a hell.
Think about it.
Nobody ever posts their failures on social media – they don’t want you to see how barrenly normal their life is. They might rant about their boss, but that’s about as imperfect as it’s shown. So if you’re the kind of person who gets antagonised over ‘cute’ status’s of people drooling over their partners’ and how they changed them and how they are the Romeo to their Juliette and yada yada, then you should probably just turn your social media off and ‘hang with your ‘pals instead.
Because really, it’s all just a smug gesture of status around who has what, and who doesn’t. Despite what Instagram will have you believe, it’s merely an accentuated highlight reel of a story probably as average as everyone else’s. Or worse, a hook-up on Tinder.
5. If you can’t have sex on the beach, drink it.
Finishing off on a light note, there’s nothing quite like the release of endorphins that is provided by a nice, cold glass of sex on the beach. Of course you can have any drink of choice, I’m just out here playing on words for your entertainment. Now I’m not suggesting that you should drown your sorrows with the numbing of alcohol, but really – you should.
I’m kidding.
But when it comes down to it, a little drink – or two, on an evening that is supposed to warm the heart, can be duly supplied by an alcoholic beverage. If that warm feeling starts to shift to another area of your body then put down yo drink and stop IMMEDIATELY; that’s probably just the guilt. It’s okay, I won’t tell.
Happy Valentine’s, sexy singletons of the world – we’re all gods of love now…
Oh, and here’s your arrow, Cupid.
*Stab*
Compulsively Human 