We’re half-way through January. Bank balances are bare, gym cards are ‘lost’, Celebration boxes are empty, the weather’s crap – standard really, ‘Dryuary’ has already died a horrible death and everyone’s still complaining.
Sound’s about right, doesn’t it.
As January grows old – healthy new routines begin to die and bad, old habits resurface. But there is still just one niggling question on everyone’s mind.
Where did I put my keys, again?
There are 2 kinds of people in this estranged world:
Those who relish the New Year like their old self just died and got replaced with a new indomitable psyche – reincarnated as the Terminator, fixated entirely on crushing the year ahead. Then there’s those who take the approach that the New Year is ‘just another day’ – some may also call these flat earthers.
Both of these people are idiots.
That’s because you don’t get to die and have another crack at life as the same person. Unless your name is Jesus, You can’t be reborn and you can’t change your natural state, otherwise we’d all be the same and, let’s be honest, that would be pretty darn boring.
Having said that, you also don’t want to be the other dude, who makes no effort to change anything at all and would rather be the same sad potato they’ve been their entire life. As such, you would grow mouldy and quickly reach your expiry date, then be disposed of like human trash.
But you aren’t human trash, are you? So let’s keep it fresh, shall we?
What you want to be, is that third type of person.
You may have noticed that I stated there were only 2 kinds of people.
That’s because humans suck and that third type of person doesn’t typically exist.
But here I am, in the depths of human despair, creating a third model for which you can live out your New Year – which will surely see you become the kind of person you always knew you could become… with a bit of application.
I am not here to tell you to wake up at 5 a.m everyday, take cold showers, become an expert in yoga or eat an avocado a day for the rest of your life – everyone’s already told you that.
These are the sort of generic practises which will apparently make you a millionaire getting spoon-fed golden syrup for the rest of your life.
So let me just burst that bubble – they won’t.
(Actually, there are some legitimately good benefits to these practises, but they involve a lot of dedication and even more tears). So let’s just skip over that and get to the nice, easy stuff.
So first thing’s first;
1. DON’T BE A TWAT.
If you’ve been an unbearable person your whole life, then becoming good this year might be a hard stretch.
There is a scarily high figure of this type of specimen living in our world, so for this reason they must be labelled as ‘prototypes’ – becauase they have no choice but to be improved, or be destroyed. If they weren’t, the world would be f*cked.
Symptoms of twatness include, but are not limited to;
– Laughing at other people’s failures, if you do this, you will be karma’s bitch.
– Smoking weed in a public cubicle.
– Urinating on a lamp post.
– Bragging about your body count.
– Having a condescending attitude.
– Being a conscious know-it-all.
– Tell people that life is easy when it’s really not, when they’re just as bad at it as you are.
– Being publically arrogant
2. Tell yourself you’re one sexy motherf*cka.
There’s a fine line between arrogance and confidence. But you stand in front of that mirror as your relection leers back at you and you to say to yourself:
‘Hot damn. I’m one sexy ass motherf*cka.’
If you didn’t say the sentence above in the voice of Samuel L Jackson then go read it again. Imitation is key here in achieving personal transformation.
P.S. Depending on you stand this statement can be changed from’mother’ to ‘father’.
And if you still feel yourself in disbelief, fake it ’til you make it. Sexiness is nothing but a state of mind.
Make sure you state this to modelling agencies when they turn you down.
3. Celebrate the small wins
The key here is not to go too big or too small.
No, making your bed in the morning does not count. Unless you plan on having a career at Dreams as a professional bed-maker, this mundane task is redundant. You can do it on autopilot.
It’s all about taking small steps to reach your actual dream.
If you want to be an entrepenuer, go outside surfing the town Gary Vee style and sell a f*ckin’ pencil. There is a fool out there willing to make that purchase, with a bit of persuasion.
When you are successful, move onto a pen, then a pencil case and so on. You’ll be telling WH Smith to move over in no time.
If you want to become the world’s best dancer, practising the floss might not make you a stadium sell-out, but it will get you attention. From then on, samba your way to BGT.
4. Understand that (shhh) nobody else actually knows what they are doing either
In a world where everything is confusing, it can be hard to know where you stand in… pretty much everything.
Life, death, sexuality, aspirations, how you feel about people, how people feel about you, what to have for dinner tonight. This list is indefinite and to be honest, inconclusive.
But what’s important to understand is this:
Most people don’t have a clue.
Everyone might seem like they know what they’re doing, but they’re just drifting through life waiting for things to happen to them, craving answers to questions that they’ll never know the answer to.
They’ll tell you they’ve got it all figured out – and there’s a word for that, it’s called obnoxious.
Most people are wondering what will happen next, what you’re secretly thinking, whether somebody is looking at you, what they really think of you, or if you’re actually any good at anything, at all. But it’s genuinely impossible to know, to any degree of absolute certainty, the answers in life.
(Damn, this got deep real quick.)
But be certain of that.
It’s easy to get stuck in a an existential crisis, but when it really boils down to it, just do the three simple L’s.
Live.
Love
And laugh your f*cking head off. (But don’t be a twat about it).
5. Breathe
If there were one thing on this list that you should do this year, let it be this.
There are 2 ways in which you can look at it:
The mindful kind, in which you take a step back and breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.
Or, you could be a literalist – survive.
Yes, do not die this year. If you can help it.
If your only goal this year is to remain on this planet, kudos to you! Genuinely.
There you have it, your ultimate guide to crushing it in 2020. If you made it thus far, your patience has already exceeded paranormal levels.
You’re off to a great start. Now remember this: stay sexy, folks.
Happy New January.
Compulsively Human 